Writer,Marathon Warrior, Progressive Human

It’s taken me a long time to find the comfort and grace to be at ease in my own company, to sit with no one but myself and my own thoughts. I’m not talking about just a few minutes before having to placate my mind with some distraction. I am talking about hours on end. The long drives to dad’s beach, nights spent after the divorce laying in the dark alone for the first time and after each breakup.

This has been one of my biggest lessons in that last few years, it’s not an easy one to digest because it means I have had to learn to be absolutely comfortable with myself. Which is fucking difficult. You have to be ready to face the nitty gritty parts of your mind, the dark places of your heart that are broken and bruised, you have to be ready to face your pain and work through it. It’s a messy process and hard, and leaves you feeling raw and at times empty.

But I am starting to savor it as its becoming my independence and my way of clearing the negative out of my life. I value and love my independence and ability to do what I want when I want, I am so tired of holding myself back for others, like little bits of me are not fully able to show. I came close this last time to being fully me, I only had a few guards up. Yet I am less broken and hurt than I have ever been. I feel happier and more free than ever before.

I see this time as a chance to push myself to grow, to show myself more love and kindness. To show more forgiveness and kindness to those around me. To calm the ripple effect of the negative that seems to just grow. If I show love and send it out it will reflect back. I want to fully love this void and in-between. I have come to realize that for me when I hop from relationship to relationship whether it’ long term or just a few months of dating I leave an open wound that is never fully healed and that leaching effect just keeps going and it drains me of my essence and makes it hard for me to fully give to my lover’s which is unfair to both parties.

This last time I waited till I felt ready to step into the vast expanse of dating again, when I did I did it with pure intentions and made sure that my wounds from the past were not bleeding into my unknown future. It was an incredible experience and fuck I am so thankful for it, it was a lesson that I needed to learn and feel.

Now as I take this time again to heal it’s not a massive damage in anyway, while still a heartache of a different kind it’s one that I can give utter thanks to. It’s one that leaves a bitter sweet smile on my face. For its left my heart open to whatever may come with a light that I can’t explain. Yes the void and the dark nights are still very much around and I feel them but I am able to embrace them like an old lover and take solace in it.

This void is my growth, its my murky waters where I filter out the bullshit and crap, its where I continue to push the negative out of my head and show myself more love, it’s where I show the people in and around my life more compassion and grace. Its reconnecting with me and letting it all flow. It’s a lesson in closing old wounds and true healing. It’s making sure that I don’t continue the ripple effect of negativity and making sure that not only am I really ready and wanting someone in my life but having a healed and whole heart and soul to give them.

I think as humans sometimes we are so afraid of being alone that we never fully understand the peace and healing that comes from that alone time. That void and loneliness is a hard place to be and to digest but think of the possibilities that could happen if we as humans take those moments and heal to stop the ripple effect. How many extra wounded hearts and people would we avoid hurting by doing that.

Maybe that is the lesson here, I know it has been mine so far. I’m stopping the ripple from my wounded heart. I want to pass on kindness and gratitude, my past has taught me so very much even from the ones who taught me the deepest pain to the one that showed me the brightest light. There is always room for gratitude and kindness.

Acceptance of the void and loneliness, the loving of one’s true and authentic self. Be brave enough to show your bright light to the world and don’t ever hold yourself back for fear of rejection. You as a beautiful human and soul are enough and are loved. Don’t fear the void and the loneliness for its temporary and merely a state of mind.

Let that murky muddy water filter the bullshit out of your head, be like the Lotus and bloom in the middle of the dirty water.

Blessed Be.

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I’m going to dance naked in the full moonlight next to the ocean worshiping all that is me and the beauty that I have blossomed into. I will wear my battle worn heart out in the open for my lovers to see.I will have no shame in the scars of my past for they have shaped me into the graceful lover that I am today. I will love,I will forgive easy. I will be authentically me.

The last ten years have taught me so much growth, and the best has been in the last year for me. I am finally learning to live as my authentic self, no apologies, no holding back, to speak my mind freely and not filter my feeling and emotions for fear of how the other person might react. I am stepping into my full worth and potential as a woman the one that I have always known was deep inside and has been climbing her way out of the smolder fire for so very long.

It is an amazing feeling to finally be at peace with being on my own, knowing that I am amazing and at ease walking this planet with just me and my friends and family. I don’t require or need a partner to complete my being, I know that I already accomplish whatever I want in my life quite well by myself and will continue to do so, it’s realizing that if I choose to have a partner in my life it’s not because I need them, it’s because I actually finally want someone in my life to include them and be apart of their lives but not be consumed by them..

I have become consumed by my past partners, abusive relationships have a tendency to do that to people, until the one they are abusing wakes up and starts making some changes. It took me a long time to finally make the changes but I did, Once I did and started to change my own inner story and loving myself and knowing my worth this funny and fucking incredible thing happened to me.

I finally got a taste of how I have always wanted a relationship to form and feel like, every bit of it including whom I was with was a massive breathe of fresh air for me, it wasn’t perfect but it was so damn in close for me that even though it ended to soon ( my opinion) I am walking away from it with so much hope for whatever is yet to come. The simple ease of slowly getting to know someone. To that random moment you look over at the way they are talking to their kid and you realize how much you care about them.

There is no way to express how grateful I am for this last relationship it has left such a positive mark on my heart and in my life, after so many years of hurt and heartache to have even just a few short months of just the ability to freely express myself, to be authentically myself with someone, to be comfortable enough to let down my walls, with someone and have it leave me feeling so full of happiness. I loved being able to be freely me and to be able to express my feelings so freely no matter if they were returned or not was freeing

I know now that I will never settle for anything less than something like that ever again, that small taste gives me so much hope of whatever is yet to come in my life, whenever that may be. For now I am going to settle into just being me. Being free to be and to dance naked in the full moonlight if I choose, to play in mud and crawl under barbed wire, have wild times with my girlfriends, teach my daughter to be brave and free and let what will be will be in the matters of the heart, as mine is in a good place right now.

See that is how I know I don’t need partner in my life, I am back on my own and while it hurts and yes I definitely wanted to see that last relationship go entirely a different way as it was ( again my opinion) pretty fucking amazing, chill and dam that man made me happy and and knew how to make me smile in way I can’t explain. I am just fine and life is still absolutely amazing. That is the beauty of year’s growth, wisdom, change and maybe just maybe that’s what they truly mean when the say if you love someone set them free, including yourself set yourself free to love.

*Editors Note- Lisa-Anne is an incredible inspiration to us all. Her personal journey to be who she wants to become has enlightened us all with the struggle and success. This woman is a warrior. I included these photos as a small visual to the work she has put into her life, and the continuing rewards she shares with us all.
Peggy

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Life has a way of turning you upside down in an instant. Your happiness, or what seems like your truth of momentary happiness, gets pulled out from under you like a rug by the universe in a way that shakes you to your core and forces you to continue to peel back your layers of bullshit and clear your path so that you can move forward.

It can be a simple doctors appointment that turns your week on its heels, when you ignore your body for months because you think it’s just a side effect of your birth control and deal with it until it becomes utterly annoying and you find out that it’s actually something that requires a referral and surgery… yeah okay thank you universe round one goes to you. Lesson learned listen to your body. The constant fatigue was not just from being super busy, constant periods are not normal side effects… ect. Gotcha!

Then there’s the endings of relationships whether mutual, or not. In friendship or romance there comes a time where you have to make a decision on how you handle it. You demand respect face to face, you don’t hide behind the keys of a device. Be kind and gentle with your words, you’re dealing with a human heart and there is no need to ever be cruel no matter your reason. Speak your unapologetic truth, own your feelings, be honest, be real but always, always be kind. Walk away leaving that other human with your final words being ones of kindness, there’s enough bitterness and hate in this world.

I read some words today in an article about the upcoming Full Moon this month and in it is spoke of love and it’s power that it has. I believe with all my heart that showing someone that you care is the most powerful gift you can give them. Being capable to love after you have been broken and hurt is one of the most difficult things to do, so when you can get through someone’s walls and guards and they show you their soft side, even for a moment, cherish it, for they are giving you so much. I am so thankful to the ones who have given me these moments, and I am blessed to have had moments like that with someone.

Loving even though you have been hurt.
Loving even though you have lost.
Loving even though you have witnessed and seen terrible heartache
And destruction is the most powerful thing a human can do
And is the deepest purpose of all of us.
Despite being hurt, or abused, or torn,
We can still love, and this is where we
Find our true power.
This is where we find our true enlightenment.

Ahhhhh Universe I see you are at it again well played. I bow my head in humble grace to you now, you have yet again humbled and surprised me. Unapologetic yet kind and gracious heart lesson, does this mean I am getting somewhere?

Wait you had one more for me universe I forgot… it’s the working so much that you push your body too far and ignore it ( i.e lesson one),to exhaustion and your family thinks that you live for your jobs so on the eve of you leaving your second job the first two lessons slap you so hard in the gut and soul that you are not sure if you need to call a timeout from the universe or ask for a rewind on the last two and a half weeks just so you can figure out where in the fuck it all went sideways. Golf clapping for you now universe, I am humble at your feet now.

So as I sit here writing this pondering my next step as my physical health has me putting training and a few races on hold and honestly has me a bit scared and nervous and my heart is shaken from an unexpected twist that has hurt it in a way that I never in a million years expected, I am able to smile because I know I spoke my honest truth and was pure in my intentions. I think that I am going to remind myself to remember to always choose Love. Love myself and the unapologetic authentic woman I am becoming, to honor the love that I have so freely given as its true and mine to freely give. No matter how it’s taken, to love my body better for I have an incredible one that is not only physically strong but it is beautifully sexy inside and out.

Oh You’re really funny Universe….lesson number four Self Love, that all important lesson. Check Mate.

I felt like I was drowning for the longest time, trying to be a mom, a good friend, great daughter, for a time the sweet little perfect wife, and once that fell apart I have even attempted to be a good partner to a couple of men. All the while I always felt like a part of me was always being devalued and missing. I was being swallowed in a pool of everyone else’s expectations of what my worth was to them.

 

I realized in my late thirties that I was missing the huge fucking point in the game of life, I was missing my own mother fucking self worth. I have given and given so much of myself that I was left devalued and empty, from my sexuality to my own emotional well being. So I decided to do something solely just for me.

I did my very first Boudoir photo shoot, I stepped so far outside my comfort zone that I almost thought that I lost my own damn mind. But let me tell you the moment I saw those pictures it was like the self worth bomb went off in my brain. I finally for the first time in my life saw myself as a strong confident and sexy woman. From that moment forward my life started changing and it has not stopped since last April.

My pictures hang on my bedroom wall as a daily reminder that I am a sexy badass woman. I buy lingerie for no man but for myself. Most days I have lace underwear on simply because I like knowing that under my scrubs I have some sexy ass bra and panty set on and it helps me walk a little taller and yeah my little half smile on my face might be simply because  I have something naughty on under my clothes. Who knows its my little secret.   

I am learning that my self worth is knowing fully that I am strong, independent,fiercely sexy and beautiful woman in my own right. My beauty comes from the way I carry my confidence, it is how I smile even though I have been broken down multiple times and I still choose to live and I am willing to give my heart over and over.I know that I am worthy of love from a man and that my time is valuable, and so is my respect, trust, and my sexuality.

I am taking pride in getting up early everyday and going to the gym and pushing my body and making it look better, for no one but myself, but along with that comes the pride in wanting to look good, I am doing my hair more… like holy shit I am actually styling it again and even went as far and having extensions put in and this woman has long hair again for the first time in over fourteen years! I am taking more time with my makeup and have started wearing my perfume again,

Yes for me my self worth is tied into myself love, and self confidence and my sexuality but for fucks sake I don’t care. It’s all a package deal for me. I am in my late thirties and I am in full bloom. I am finally becoming the woman I have always meant to be, I am a strong, confident, sexy badass beautiful woman worthy of all the love and beauty this world has to offer. Who the fuck wouldn’t want to be with a Badass like me? Because baby I am Fucking worth it! I own it I am a mother fucking Queen! And that is Self Worth. Knowing it Owning it and Showing. I don’t need a partner its a want. I am just fine all on my own.  

It has been awhile since I have had to reflect on the emotion of sadness, life has been pretty good recently. While I am not saying that there have not been moments of doubts or fears but for the first time in years I have not experienced sadness or depression on a regular  basis. Maybe it’s because I have finally found an inner peace and I have cleared the toxic relationships out of my life.

On the other hand I do experience fear on a regular basis and that can easily lead to sadness. The fear comes from not knowing if I will ever have the one thing that I have always desired and wanted more than anything, its the ache in my heart and soul that I would give anything to have filled. Even as I type this my eyes are filling with tears and they are streaming down my face.

 

See it’s the one fucking thing in my life that I can not control, force or really do a mother fucking thing about. It’s having someone in my life to share it with a partnership, that ultimate relationship, that I think every soul on this planet craves.  I have been so broken, and beaten down mentally and emotionally in the past that now as I have gained self love and found my self worth that I am unwilling to just settle ever gain.

 

I am loving all that the universe has brought into my life so far in this journey of new self discovery and ultimate happiness, but there are nights where I sit alone in my room with my headphones in listening to music and I allow all the dark thoughts of self doubt and fear of being alone for the rest of my life to creep in, and in those dark moments I don’t just cry a tear or two I sob. We are talking full on ugly crying here.  For I know that if I don’t give myself a chance to let it out it will build and fester like a dark poison that will slowly creep through my heart and make me a jaded and bitter woman.

 

So I sob, I let out all the pain and fear on those nights, all the doubts and stupid self hate that I know is not true is to let it go. Still I cry it’s not easy letting it all go in these moments. See on nights where I let the fear grip me like this I don’t reach out to my friends or family to get reassurance that “Oh yes, your time will come” bullshit. I don’t need a fucking ice cream cone.  No, I take these moments to still my body and let all the negative thoughts flow like the oceans tides  through my mind.

 

I am learning to find my own strength and self worth and love through these nights. With each negative thought I force myself to find a positive to it. I am making the choice to change my own mental outlook on not only my own damn self but on life, love and relationships. The most interesting thing about that change is my own outlook on things is that its starting to fully reflect back on my life from the inside out and my entire life is starting to change in ways that I never thought possible.

 

My life was once in black in white and I feel like I am coming out in technicolor a vivid and bright. I’m  taking it all a day at a time and enjoying every moment that life has to offer me. I know that my heart’s deepest desire is going to happen one day soon, I can feel it with vibrating deep within me, simply due to knowing  I have an open heart and open hands when it comes to that. And a view of what you think about your bring about. I have some weak moments where I break down and cry, but that’s okay, even with the fear I know I will rise. So the sadness does not bother me. I can face it with an acceptance of an old friend, whom I need to have a conversation with once in a while.

I have recently started to become more of a morning person. No, I’m not talking about that annoying perky bright eyed overly chirpy annoying type that when they open their mouths in the morning before your first sip of coffee you in vision chicken choking them. I speak of the quiet type of morning person. The slow to wake type, the let me have a couple sips and savor that warming of my chest that the first sip brings. I will talk but let the conversation be easy and calm.

Some of my favorite mornings are the ones where I am up super early before my family and I can make a fresh pot of coffee and then find a comfy chair to sit in and listen to my music on headphones and zone out. To quietly muse and ponder to allow myself to think but not stay on anyone thing for too long the art of learning to not overthink. It was in one of these mornings of pondering that it hit me.

I have always wondered if I picked up any of my dad’s mannerisms. You see, my Dad was not my biological father so knowing that I picked something up from him would be something awesome. This morning I was thinking about my dad and how most of my favorite memories of him are of him sitting in our kitchen at the table drinking his morning coffee, smoking a cigarette, and either leaning forward on his knees thinking about the coming day or leaning back looking out the back window pondering life.

I never understood why he would get up so damn early, even on the weekends most of the time dad was up early, during the week he was always up at what to a teenager seems like ungodly hours. My dad was a carpenter and he owned his own construction company so he was up and going early my entire life. I never understood why he got up so early…. Until now.

Now I get it, in the last year I have slowly been waking up earlier and earlier in the mornings to be up before anyone else. I enjoy my mornings where I can sit in the quiet stillness and ponder life or thinking about the coming day. It gives me time to sort things in my head. I find that it’s making me a calmer person and a happier one. I also enjoy the mornings where I get to share them with good company that is like minded those rare mornings are breaths of fresh air n my constant routine.

Then the moment of pure pondering joy hits, that split second when all your musings give you a little incitement to the inner truth of you. I do have one of my dad’s habits it’s taken me almost ten years to see it and really truly appreciate it. It’s my morning routine. The early mornings, with my coffee, music playing on my headphones while contemplating the randomness that passes through my mind. That moment of reflection that all along these last few years when I have been missing him the most, he has been right here by my side as I have been giving thought to all the things in my life and working through them.

Little did I know that I have not been alone at all, my dad joins me for coffee every morning, whether I know it or not. His spirit carries on within me every morning when I take that first sip of coffee, in the quiet moments of life’s musings, and every time I avoid talking to my teenage daughter in the morning to avoid her snapping at, (Just like my dad did with me unless I spoke first). My dad smiled all the time just like I do, my dad was a constant smart ass…yep I can be to. But of all the things I picked up from him This one makes me the happiest, because I feel the closest to my dad for the first time since his passing ten years ago.

 

Sometimes I wondered if I would ever get that light bulb moment in regards this whole relationships thing. After my divorce ,which was almost nine years ago, I was on some sort of contrived mission to find me again and to eventually meet that person to be my partner for life, that supposed ride or die, or the other half to build a life together and all that romantic bullshit nonsense that fills our heads from books, movies and other places in life.

Yet here I am two failed relationships later, in which both came close to marriage in at least that we talked in depth about taking that plunge into the spending our lives together in some form of commitment.  The first seemed like it was going pretty good up until the point where we suffered a loss that was hard for either of us to verbalize our grief .As we went through a miscarriage we started to slowly fall apart. That break up was hard for my heart as I still loved that man so much and when we split the circumstances were ones where I had hard lines drawn and we had to go our separate ways.

The next relationship seemed like  potential good. There were some issues but we started out as best friends and it just flowed into something more. Then after two years it all imploded on us like a bomb that had been ticking (maybe it was both of our bipolar mental states combined with his addictions) but it was an explosion that we did not survive. See, I choose the path of help and I got stronger by seeking medical attention and counseling for my mental health. Along with my continued growth physically with my OCR’s I was changing and becoming healthy and strong all the  while he was willing to stay stuck in his addictions. The final blow came when the emotional and mental abuse started and I was done.. I had to protect my daughter , my mom, and myself.  So I made him leave after four years of togetherness.

Now I am at a point where I am seriously thinking about seeing people again. There comes a point where that thought crosses my mind ‘is it me? am I that fucking damaged? am I that difficult to be with, that a lasting relationship isn’t possible since I have three failed ones under my belt now?’ Then I have to give myself a mental bitch slap, and a hard one at that.  As it has dawned on me, yes I played a part in each of my past relationships and in how they grew and eventually fell apart but so to did my partners, whether it was cheating,abusive behaviors, addictions, growing apart or other circumstances that caused the separations, as adults both partners played a part in the relationships.

Thus I have this to take away from these past relationships, for one they are not failures in each one I grew as a person and as a woman, each partner taught me new lessons, one gave me the greatest gift of motherhood, one gave the gift of enjoyment of going out and being social with my partner, the other taught me that I can be in a relationship and still do my own thing and still grow. They taught me that even in the aftermaths of the breakups you can still find it possible to love and care about someone.  There is forgiveness in time and distance from the pain and hurt even if that time has only been a few month or if its been years.

I have figured out the things that I will tolerate and those which I will not in a relationship, I know that I want a partner who is willing to integrate into my life and be apart of my groups of  friends and supports my dreams and goals, one who is loving towards my family, just like I would expect them to want me to be and do the same for and with them.  I require a partner who can handle that I am a strong and independent woman, I have been a single mom now for 10 years even when I was in relationships I never stepped out of the single mom role and I won’t until I have made that total commitment to someone who can fully be my partner and I know they have my back fully.

I have come to the realization that it is going to take an equally strong partner to be with me, a person who has the same ability to rise and grind to meet their goals while motivating me to meet mine and having me do the same for them while meeting my goals and yet still have the capability to reach for common goals together as partners. Now for some this might seem like a huge task but I know for the right person it won’t be.  I want to take my time to get to know someone and enjoy the process of knowing them.  It’s not about moving in with someone quickly or getting that commitment as fast as possible, it’s about knowing a person and understanding them, its about finding out if we can make our damaged parts fit together and pack them away so we can move forward

Honestly at this point in our lives, I am in my late thirties who in the hell does not have a past and is not damaged in some way, we have to learn to make our broken bits fit together with our partners. Finding someone with no past and no damage is like finding a unicorn good luck and if you do send me a picture!

Here is to growing older, gaining some wisdom from age and being thankful of my past for its bringing to me a better future, and to possibly finally knowing what it is that I am looking for in a partner.

Twenty days; yes the countdown to THAT day in my life is on, and it’s coming like a slow moving storm in the distance that you know that you can’t avoid no matter what direction you go . It’s a day that I would give anything to just be out on the beach at Kalaloch all day; just to be in the place where you loved to go and we released you to your final resting place. Where I could sit and listen  to the ocean beat the shore with its calming heartbeat as the wind blows around me. But that day I will be the responsible adult that you taught me to be at work.

Ten years and it’s hard for me to fathom that it’s been this long since that day that started the massive tsunami of change that has overtaken my life. Little did I know that the change would come at the cost of one of my biggest losses and heartbreaks of my life. I knew you were sick, it was why I chose to stay in this small town and why we didn’t move across country, but I thought i had more time than we did. What I thought could be years turned into only a year and a few months.

That  day is still burned forever in my memories, most of the time I can block it out but this year little clips of it keep popping into my head like little flashes of a broken film with no sound. With each little fragment of a memory it catches my breath and I have to fight back the urge to allow the whole nightmare of a day and the following weeks to play out in my mind. Followed by the overwhelming questioning;  did I tell you how much I loved you and give you one more hug before I left the house after picking up your granddaughter? Did you know that you were my favorite person to have coffee with and my best adviser? How much I have missed you in the last ten years and would give to have one more talk?

I hope that you are proud of the woman your daughter has become dad. I have struggled, I have fallen to my knees, and been broken and battle worn.Your passing pushed me to fight for my self worth and my daughter’s right to have her parents not end up hating each other.  I have handled my divorce with grace and my head held high,showed as much respect as possible, taken care of mom like you would want me to (even if at times we drive each other crazy, but hey, we are mother and daughter and that’s normal and we love each other dearly), I am raising my own daughter to be strong and yet kind with just a touch of sass, and I have survived a round or two of emotional and mental abuse. Through it all I fought hard to keep my heart kind,but with the fire and grit of a warrior.

While I know your passing was the hardest on mom, it still lingers for her in ways that can only be expressed by her, but for me as your child even though I was not yours by blood you were my daddy. You raised me and loved me like your own. It’s an ache only someone who has lost a parent can understand.  I have learned that grief comes in so many forms and we all have our own ways of coming to terms with this unimaginable loss.

For me I choose to remember the day you left not only because it marks a sad moment in my life but because in the long run it marks a turning point in my life. It marks the moment I started to become the woman that my family always knew I could be and the woman my family needed me to be. It marks the moment I started crawling out of the darkness of pain and depression I was in. I became a warrior that day for my family and above all for my own life. Death changes people. Yours showed me that I need to become a stronger woman. I miss you so much Dad.

Had you asked me six months ago if I wanted to go out for a drink with friends I would have hesitated and there would have been a long pause especially if hard liquor like Whiskey was involved. My situation with my partner at that time was one where adding alcohol into the mix left me ridden with anxiety and walking on eggshells. The nights of us going out and being social usually ended in dark places, raised voices and tear stained faces. The brokenness that ensues from dark side of an addiction leaves such a lasting stamp on everyone that it touches in ways that you would not expect. After three years of tip toes and egg shells you begin to wonder if going out will ever be fun or worth it again.

Fast forward to almost four months post breakup, most of the darkness seems to be gone and life feels like it’s full of light and laughter. It’s not about a happily ever after with anyone one person but a happily ever after with the amazing people already in my life and making my life the best fullest version that I can right here right now. A lesson taught to me by a good friend recently. So in that I have chosen to take that step to go out and drink and be a responsible social adult and see friends and live music again.

The first few times were a bit hard, I barely had a drink, and was still constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the need to need to start walking on eggshells to happen again, I was always a little tense and couldn’t fully relax. Then it happened. I ran into an old friend we reconnected and went out for a couple drinks and this friend got me to have a Whiskey and ginger ale.

I was so apprehensive that my insides were shaking, I hid the fear with a smile. We had a couple drinks. We laughed, joked, talked, we had fun for hours. It became a refreshing dose of a new reality. Somewhere in the middle of those drinks and the good company I relaxed and I felt safe enough to no longer worry about looking over my shoulder, the fear and anxiety melted away like the ice in my glass. I went home for the evening and was left reeling from this new found freedom in my life. Could it really be true and possible that I am finally free of that dark cloud of anxiety and fear of chaos and projectile vomit of an addict with cruelty in his mind when he drank? I was nervously excited that my paradigm shift has happened and had finally made me free.

So when I had the opportunity to go out again with my old friend I took and it was the same relaxed atmosphere of laughter, and freedom. The night ended with a smile on my face and that true sense of being free from my past. I am trying to have no ill will towards my past and those whom are a part of it but when they affect your life to the point where being social with others leave you riddled with anxiety of fear it’s hard not to have some kind of pent up resentment. I am working on letting that go,

Here is to almost four months of growth, to making my own happily ever after in the moment surrounded by my little family and the amazing tribe of friends that I have supporting me and loving me in the fierce blazing glory of goddess love that I am. I raise my glass to my old friend who helped me lose some fears and relax. Cheers to Whiskey and Ginger ale may it always put a smile on my face.