I’ve been experiencing much lack of self love from the women in my life that I love lately. My wife, my friends and sisters, my mentors, my mothers……
As research has shown its in the stars right now and we all need to be humble. its good for us. However, humble doesn’t mean shame and it doesn’t mean lack. Too often when we feel low we seek to belittle others in order to grasp onto a glimpse of egotistical worth. I challenge us all to not just state but to actually view each other in whatever radiance we ACTUALLY embody.
I recently moved back in with my wife. I have slowly unpacked things as they have become necessary. Finally this weekend I got to the things that I don’t need. My living space… infused with the smell of great essential oils, I opened up the happiest part of my wardrobe. I set out to carefully hang my most favorite pieces after laying them out in exact order on my beautiful new , well chosen, duet cover. lol YOu se I’m getting old. hahaha ive always wanted to have beautiful things, its in my nature. Yet, other things have been more important. wether it’s that one of the kids needed something important, or perhaps they just wanted something. Often times a friend or someone in my family needed to pay bill. Too often I was just hanging on by my teeth financially and could not afford to meet my own needs and express myself outwardly.
As I unpacked I pulled out my very ultimate absolute favorite creation in the whole of life’s essence…. my black j crew cardigan. My sister purchased me this cardigan fr my birthday. I had noticed it while we were out shopping once and it was one of the first gifts I had received from a family member where I had pointed it out and expressed my adoration. It was beautiful, well made, soft good material, the perfect shade of black and had subtle trim… it made me feel special to receive this gift.
Strait away I unfolded my yummy cardigan and “AHHHHHH”‘d ” Ladies I found my cardigan and I’m telling you now. I’m stripping down to nothing and plan to walk around in this beautiful piece of cloth butt naked for the rest of the evening. Sorry if that bothers anyone but I don’t care!!”
After about 20 minutes my butt felt very exposed (bending over and all) and my old breasts were dangling in my way so I chose to put on a bra and some panties. I did however spend the rest of my evening loving the shit out of my cardigan, my oils, my duvet, the way it all felt on my skin……..
Finally clothes carefully put away, I sat in my space a breathed. This is my time. The time when everything is done well with thought states to my internal clock that I have everything handled. nothing has to be rushed = I can do the things that I love. this is when I can feel myself fully. this is when I am at peace.
I helped myself out to my back porch ( yes in my undergarments and my cardigan), smoked what seemed like a ver loooong leisurely cigarette, and smiled at my daughters incessant talking for the first time in a month. I had focus and a genuine smile… I was whole.
As the night came to and end I cleaned up in the bathroom. You know, teeth, oil, lengthy skin check, washed my face, made sure my bobby pins were where they belonged, had the time to wipe out the sink, and walked to the bedroom to slip into bed with my wife. As I approached the bed she gave me a calm smile. Once I laid down she leaned over to me and said, ” You’ve got this old lady thing going on and for some reason it is really doing it for me”. Then, she touched my tummy and smiled at me quite pleased to be next to my granny panties and calm demeanor. I was like “WTF”??!! She laughed.
” Carmen, lots of people are not satisfied with themselves after 30. Lots of people walk around trying to look 20 when they are 40. not accepting that they look 40. Sometimes people want to be what they’re not and it is not appealing.. you walk around in those underwear and an old lady sweater and its sexy. its like your owning your womanhood, YOUR WOMANHOOD is SEXY! 20 looks good but it doesn’t look like womanhood.”
I’m pretty sure this was the sexiest fucking compliment I have ever received. And it wasn’t fake. she didn’t tell me I’m hot. She didn’t tell me she wanted to fuck. she took me in and accepted me whole and loved and was excited by what she saw and felt.
believe me.. My granny panties were immediately soaked and they came right off. If this was her ploy to get me to take those wretched things off… it worked!
My wife doesn’t always feel completely attractive. Like the rest of us, she sometimes judges her looks and abilities by ideas of others. And though, of course, I think she’s beautiful physically. It is her ability to see in hindsight toward everybody that attracts me the most to her.
I hope we all take the time to honor our bodies and minds and comforts and needs and time and learn to want that for each other. At any age, any social status, any gender….. it is so nice to be loved for what you are. I challenge all of us to love ourselves right exactly where we are and then give that to others who should also know the completeness of full self acceptance. I’m thankful my life has produced people who can do this