Love Me!

The question I posed Carmen was a reflection of my fear. Have I ever felt loved? What did it feel like?

That question formed another question. Would I know what love even felt like if someone showed it to me? Crap. Nope. I’ll tell you why.

We didn’t hug while growing up. It’s my parents fault.

Just kidding.

I’m a mother and a wife and I feel I don’t have any business being either. I do not know that I have shown love, therefore do I deserve to receive it?

My husband and I were in a fight this last weekend about nothing. We were fighting because we love each other, and we are detached from each other. After hours of fighting over whether or not we loved each other, I realized I had no idea what love even feels like. Oh wait, I do kind of remember.

One time, I was homeless and broke and my friend gave me a 1969 Nomad to live in. She paid my phone bill. She asked that we could stay at her girlfriends house as total strangers to this new girlfriend. All that love. It felt awful!

Why couldn’t I take care of myself? Why did I quit my shitty job before finding another one and finding that rental home to live in after ours was condemned? Why did I need my friends to love me and care for me, the single mother forever leaching off of a society (a stigma I could not escape!!) And now my friends have to love me. I felt sick and ashamed. That’s where Crowing Love came in.

The book isn’t about a crow. It is, but it’s also about my lonelyness. The book embodied my need to create a community, which soon became all of you. I feel the love!

Nope. Wait. I feel something else. I feel like I fail a lot. I feel like I may let everyone down.

That’s when it hit me. I have detached from love. This is solely my issue.

The problem with detachment is that it can enable a tendency to also detach from the positive in life. Hence, I cannot feel love. I only feel shame and apologetic.

Well, fuck that. I don’t want to be detached anymore. I want to feel all the sadness and all the happiness, as written about by Carmen. That’s it. I want it all. And I’m going to cry a bunch. And I’m going to laugh even more. I’m going to attempt to feel my own love for myself. Then I can feel the love that I know my partner, family, close friends and community have for me.

There is nothing like the void felt from the withholding of love for self. I think understanding this concept will permit the process to take place.

May we all feel the love.

P.s. This is my thinking spot. That rug has been like a cushion for life. Handmade from Germany, borrowed from Edith.

One Comment on “Love Me!

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