Tony Robbins and I cooled down after a vigorous run to down town Port Townsend from our motel by the sea. I was looking forward to the outsize Jacuzzi soak after the run, and also logically knew I needed a cool down before immersing warm muscles into the water. So Tony and I chatted. Well, he spoke, I listened. He asked me to think of one thing I want to change in my life. My staunch response was between “I don’t need to change anything because I am perfect right now” and pure panic and another voice saying “Shit. What don’t you want to change…”
And for 4 days, I had a migraine that took my soul out of my body and replaced the carcass with an ailing woman in a cave trying to not only find the light, but be able to emotionally and physically handle the light once I discover it.
Holy Fucking Analogy.
4 days of the worst pain, anger seething in my body and feeling imperfect and raw and ugly. Like a mean dog ready to take a bite out of anyone’s leg lest they show the slightest intent of kicking me somehow. I call this (in my now observatory state) a DEFENSE SYSTEM.
I crack myself up. The need for control, the projection of everyone trying to control me. The sadness, the empathy towards abusers because deep down I know I have that capability as well. The knowledge of how selfish and narcissist I truly am about my time. As though no one else worries about time, only me and I should be placated. Oh Tony Robbins, what did you ask of me?
Why do I feel like my partner will end up with someone else? Is it my historical past? Tony Robbins says if you’re going to blame someone for your past then you must also be honest about thanking them for the goodness they provided to you. Every time I began to speak about my mom, my exes, my old friends whom I have fallen out with, I challenged myself to say something good about them afterwards. I feel a little freedom here, and a total loss of control that also feels a little like something else…freedom?
I was a poor single mom, acting like a shithead for a long time. My need to be loved by a mate eclipsed the love I had from my children. I was a stupid kind of bitch back then, and on the other side my intention was pure in finding love, I know I lacked definition. In every part of my life. I wish I could rewind, and that will always be my biggest regret and sadness. The inability to be loved at that time by my children while they were so formative…This forgiveness of that fact will take a long time. Thanks for the motivation Tony Robbins. The pain I feel from this regret will motivate my change into a human who is beautifully aware of herself, her needs, and the needs of others.
What else? The cave from the migraine and the shedding of my inner lining was physically crippling and all I had was time to ponder what else I wanted to change to achieve inner joy and experience sadness honestly.
I went grocery shopping, a task I loathe but am learning to like (or at least tolerate) as long as I can wear headphones. Grocery shopping is intense for some reason, even though I like shopping. Something to explore another day; Anxiety in the grocery store. (My reward today was purchasing a Palm tree.)
Then I faced my credit. I hate my bank but to be honest I am screwed and have to stay with them because my credit sucks. This is due to a number of factors, and I would admit I am responsible for 2/3rd s of that debt. But no. Tony Robbins called me out again. Get real Peggy, he said, stop making excuses. This is your life. I am scrubbing the floors of my bathroom in my duplex we rent. The linoleum is mostly intact, but there is a weird yellow stain on the floor, paint and corrosion on the baseboards, and I can brush my teeth and take a shit at the same time. We are not homeless, this is great. But when did I decide that giving up and being prideful about my fucking credit was more important than providing a sturdy structure in which to live in with my family? Just pay the $43.02 to close the credit filing from your ex husbands account whose name you didn’t bother removing until he over drafted. Holy Shit Lady!!! Are you serious??? That guy hasn’t been around in years and here you are lugging that pain and pride around. Like I have ever been perfect. Hello two way street. Good to know you. Maybe I should start looking both ways.
Tony Robbins was shaking his head and laughing at me now. He said, “So, do you want to come out of your shame and fix your life? Do you want to be able to smile and mean it? Do you want to see the change? Then admit your human mistakes and move forward.”
I have always weighed 155 lbs and smoked cigarettes. My kids know me by my cough. That shit is real. The challenge was to find courage to change. One day at a time. One moment at a time. One brutally aware motherfucker. Right here. I want to represent strength, so I need to grow strong. I purchased Beachbody and secretly work out and eat keto. And cheat with ice cream or pizza once a week. I quit smoking all the time. I just keep at it. I will understand this relationship I have with impulses as I continue to listen.
I’ve been reading about the 8 Pillars of Joy. I highly recommend you check out this link, it’s a great description, and a great book.
Oh Humility. Thank you for the lesson.
I called and paid off $1900 in debt. My credit score went up 89 points.
I’m an asshole. I have been for quite some time. Assholes Anonymous, right here. Confession; I no longer want to be an asshole. I want to be a vagina. JK JK. But you get me. I want to no longer further any hurt,with good intentions or not. I want to let go. I’m sorry. This is me eating Crow.
Disclaimer: I never actually spoke to Tony Robbins. I listened. Also, I don’t hear voices necessarily, this is more of an inner voice thing. I’m okay. I’m fine.