First, here’s to meanruthie for Challenging me with self awareness as a topic. I am so self aware HAHAHAH well, until I take tests that show me myself to my face. Then I’m just Carmen living in a confused version of my own vertical prison. Much love to you. And to my lack of self awareness..
I consciously avoided this topic from the moment it was posted. As I read the assignment my eyes got big and my head spinned. ( is spinned a word?) DOUBT.. that’s all I’m aware of.
” What kind of bullshit can I come up with that makes me sound like I know what I am all about today? None.. So, ill just put it off till I can oppose someone else…”
That never happened….
I finally crouched in and made myself not just take this test, but to research it and its intricacies. TO my complete surprise this test gave me quite the overview. Myself in a nutshell. My unhealthy self. My healthy self. My unhealthy reactions. How they hinder my progress, and how I can intercept those actions to integrate into the loop of my higher self. Yes it brought me down even into my spirituality. AHHHH the road to self actualization
As it sits I am a frim 8.. 8 with nothing following closely. The Leader. This… 100%… I can agree with. This we knew. What I didn’t know was how I lead and how this always causes me to strive for independence and knowledge as well as fearing co dependence and ignorance.
The 8 has wonderful qualities for healing humanity and inspiring change through their action in the world. I’ve always known that this was my job. Giving people permission to be whoever the fuck they want at their own will. With ” lead by example” as a motto.
However, I will say that, it also explains my line of work and the fight. HAHAH not to mention many of the issues I run into in relationships. It also explains how to work within them to make them work.
I think I need to be more aware of my judgment and my narcissism. This is not a fault of all 8s but it’s not hard to see, finally, how I , in lower levels of my type,( when I’m not fulfilled) go to work on others or mistakenly use them to fill my ego, and even perhaps, with partners take their own beautiful characteristics as weakness. When the ” weaknesses ” often , in fact, compliment me perfectly.
Basically when I’m at the top of my vertical lines I’m powerful , unstoppable and a great advocate for empowerment and truth in my peers and partners world. At the bottom I am a controlling obsessive, insecure, violating overachiever looking for kudos. That is very hard for my ego to swallow! But its true. I was stoked to read that these qualities coincide directly with my astrological charting and make perfect sense. I am, as of right now, on an immediate path to higher self. Ive looked for this specific map of me and can clearly see what I need to work on to become what I view as an appropriate 8.
Thankfully, the enneagram shows exactly were to go from there and how to break my fearful circles. I am appreciative of this opportunity and will write more later when I’m not questioning the fuck out of why I have been such a pompous dick. I really hope every crow takes the hour or so to look into their test and find the charts on the web page. It was very eye opening to be handed such a clear picture.