I posed this question of value and self worth and then I sat on the idea while everyone else wrote about their value. The moments of recognition and the turning points were humble and loving. We all make mistakes, but if we continue to practice doing better, we will succeed. We all share 1 trait strongly; we have all been handed our identity from an outside party, then fought to find our own identity based on intuition. Trust.
I sound like Carmen when I say we have been handed our identity. This idea is not my own, she has shared this sentiment in our every day conversations. I struggle with fear of being not enough, then struggle with the fear I am too much. Where does my value lie? I had to do some observation before I could truly respond.
I realize I have looked for my value as a human being for quite awhile. I looked in action, by being in bands and playing for crowds (or 10 people we knew and 5 we did not know, dancing around a bucket after the venue roof had a big leak) and I found fun and friends and human case studies, but my value felt empty. This person on stage, she looks like me but she is only a persona of a set of emotions being released as art. The best value I have from the experience I had with my bands is that I learned how to network, market, promote, schedule, pack a van tetris style, and I made mistakes and still showed up. Essentially all of this value boils down into learned intelligence. I learned the best way I know how, by jumping in and getting creative.
My next big action was playing Roller derby, where I learned limits physically can generally be deduced from fear. I also learned if you put in the work, you will see results. Nothing like training for the next bout was as effective on my body as those routines were. I had fun, I made friends with my own gender, and I succeeded. And I failed a bunch too, but I learned how to write a non-profit business plan. I also learned how to shine, and I learned not everyone wants you to shine. My value again is found in learned lessons.
I then took 4 yours to work on my brain. The neuroscience I cared about, and what also seemed to be my emerging value. This was the best action I have ever taken. I had to sit down. And not wiggle. And learn how to learn. I’m still learning how to learn.
What is my worth. I am worth everything I want my life to look at. I am worth everything to the people who love me. My value lies in my resiliency towards optimism. My value lies in the ability to further the life lessons. My value is in the observation of human life, and how I can contribute in a million different intelligent ways and have the courage to say when I am not interested or do not have the applied talent without feeling crushing shame and guilt of not being “good enough”. I am the good. So are you. That is what it is all worth.