The prompt is: what is your worth?
Personal worth in my mind: The search for the never ending answer or confirmation that our being on this planet is valued, our existence not merely a waste of emotions, validation that who we are matters at least to ourselves. Our worth. More specific to this blog “MY WORTH”. I put it in shouty caps to help myself remember the impact for my own state of mind. I think that the worth of a person is multifaceted. Like a diamond, we may have many sides, reflecting light from many aspects, while holding the same value. I certainly feel that my self-worth affects all parts of my life differently.
Interesting topic and right on time for recent events in my life. I have spent a lot of time lately identifying what I’m not. I’m not a housewife. I’m not a maid. I’m not a personal manager, laundry keeper, cook, financial adviser, etc…. I’M NOT! However in this frame of mind I think I have forgotten what I am. I am a mother. I am a girlfriend. I am a daughter, aunt, sister, friend, a nurse, etc. In those roles I find my worth and they all accompany in some aspect all of those things I was so focused on the “not”.
My most important role in my focus is that of a mother. My worth here is huge. MONUMENTAL! For I am helping to shape the lives of 2 humans that will ultimately have to survive without me at some point. Preparation for the world has 2 sides. How they interpret the way the world affects them and what their effect is on the world in return. My worth as a mother is to teach them how to act, how to respond, how to care for themselves, the list goes on and on. It’s not just the teaching of the how to’s but giving them sense of self as well. Allowing them to feel valued and learn to value themselves. (Being a parent is tough) I feel that this is not only my most important role, but where I find my biggest worth. From the time they were little and I seen they had used manners in an appropriate setting (even if they were fuckhouse crazy the second we got home) to them now as young adults managing their lives with jobs, doing their own laundry, cooking, and just being generally good people. It fills my sense of worth, elevates my self-esteem to watch my boys propel through life.
Instead of moving onto another role in life and how it is reflected in my worth, I think its noteworthy to discuss a little bit of how I came to value myself. Though still a constant work in progress, it started a long time ago when I was down on me for being chubby and hating my weight. I struggled with an eating disorder and swore to myself I was more than the number on my scale or on the tag of my clothes. I started by refusing to get on the scale. I went over 3 years with no clue as to what I weighed. In that time, I learned to better love my body and myself. I stopped wearing make up Mother’s day 2015, have only wore it once since which was later that fall. What was my real purpose for wearing it in the first place? I always felt different and not always good. So fuck it, I haven’t put a single little bit of make up on my face for well over 2 years. Has not worrying about my weight or wearing make up had negative effects? Maybe at first. But…. BUT!!!! I soon realized that the effects I was looking for weren’t what I needed. I didn’t need any man to think I’m sexy because of my weight or how my make up looked. I had more to offer. And to some men, I’m crazy sexy. To other, not so much. Really the factors of my physical appearance would have similar results… the difference, I believe it now. I still have more to offer. My boyfriend has only seen me with make-up in pictures. Never in real life. This thought also goes to my career. My looks and my weight bear no difference to my role as a nurse. Feeling confident in my skin and my knowledge however does on both accounts.
All of the other above roles friend, sister, daughter, etc… all are greatly treasured and while I find value in my roles, it is the value in myself that leads me there. My time is important to me. I am there for those who need me, but not unnecessarily. When I say I am going to do something, I do it (on most accounts). I hold my friends to the same worth and values that I hold myself to. Kindness, compassion, honesty, openness, respect, accountability….. those are some things that make up my worth to myself. Just a few of the things I strive to carry with me in all aspects of my life. In all my roles. My worth is not something I will work to convince someone else to see or feel or know. It will happen naturally if they are able to perceptive to it. What is ultimately important is how I perceive myself. Can I look at myself in the mirror, not just at my face, but look myself in the eyes? Am I proud of the person I am? Do I see my value in my family, in my community? Most days, yes I do, most days. There was a time in my life where I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, my sense of self worth shattered, my allowance of my value to depend on the opinion of someone else. Its on those days where I don’t see these things in myself, that I find value in others to help bring me back to myself.
I am the opinion of my worth that matters. I work to remember this!