A friend called me the other day asking about her worth. She had this new found love for herself. At 38 it dawned on her. ” I’m sexy as fuck! Woah!” But is that all that I am?
I scrambled to figure out how I could tell her that it is more than necessary to sit with that woman and not be ashamed that she wanted to be sexy
As a young woman I hid my body. I did anything i could to blend in with the male populace. I spit, I cussed, I turned wrenches, I scratched, i held ridiculously ignorant beliefs about life and denied myself any potential femininity possible.
I wanted to sound smart. I wanted to appear like I was all business. I was a fortress. You could not break me. I was purposely blind. My theory? If I’m solid (even if it is on no foundation of true self) then I can’t be questioned. I was willing to live a life without growth or creation. In order to not be used or hurt. Eventually. “Sounding “smart sounded dumb. And “appearing ” like i was all business looked like a very bland canvas. The truth is .. I am colorful! I dance and sing passionately! I made two BABIES! I have ideas and they MUST be tested. I could go on for days about all that flavor!!! It never mattered how hard I tried to hide it. I’ve always just oozed sex. My passions run deep. Fucking was necessary. And I only shared that In The dark with men who where equally dirty. They were secrets. They were blackness. Blindness. They were the same as my actions.
I learned that my sexuality was my creative center. Should I deny her and cover her up she would continue to win. But she would remain dark and dirty.
I spent years. YEARS learning to have “nice sex” how to not run for the booty call when I was upset. How to dress to make love to myself in daily attitudes and carefully chosen materials for ensembles worn by my internal and external self. Eventually I was delicately woven and amazed.
My self worth does lie much in my sexuality. I had feared I might lose that sexual prowess. But in recognizing my creation as sexual. I still ooze sex. People still look they still stare they still want and pine. But underneath my creation is a problem solver, a believer, as well as being ,all business. I am not afraid to learn. I’m great conversation. I make shit happen. I’m a mover and a shaker. Im A truth seeker. I vibrate on A unique level. I love, wholly. I give people permission to walk away from that magazine and embody their own sex. But, i can admit that there are parts of me who are that loucious Victoria secret model, ( that’s just a popular example I actually more embody the suicide girl fantasy that’s why I adore Peggy and Lisa so much their spirit screams tattoos and sex =”creative energy” and solid stances), and eventhough people laugh at that because my breast are SMALL and my hips nonexistent, you can’t fuck with me when I’m on that game. Similar to my work game. And my mom game. Haha I’m 100% all of those women.
My self worth lies in the fact that I was born. I can be whatever I want. I don’t think many people know that about themselves. Believe it or not the world does resonate with my sexuality. Because it is my creation . At the end of the day, I like myself. And confidence is what’s attractive.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.