Fear And Sadness

It has been awhile since I have had to reflect on the emotion of sadness, life has been pretty good recently. While I am not saying that there have not been moments of doubts or fears but for the first time in years I have not experienced sadness or depression on a regular  basis. Maybe it’s because I have finally found an inner peace and I have cleared the toxic relationships out of my life.

On the other hand I do experience fear on a regular basis and that can easily lead to sadness. The fear comes from not knowing if I will ever have the one thing that I have always desired and wanted more than anything, its the ache in my heart and soul that I would give anything to have filled. Even as I type this my eyes are filling with tears and they are streaming down my face.


See it’s the one fucking thing in my life that I can not control, force or really do a mother fucking thing about. It’s having someone in my life to share it with a partnership, that ultimate relationship, that I think every soul on this planet craves.  I have been so broken, and beaten down mentally and emotionally in the past that now as I have gained self love and found my self worth that I am unwilling to just settle ever gain.


I am loving all that the universe has brought into my life so far in this journey of new self discovery and ultimate happiness, but there are nights where I sit alone in my room with my headphones in listening to music and I allow all the dark thoughts of self doubt and fear of being alone for the rest of my life to creep in, and in those dark moments I don’t just cry a tear or two I sob. We are talking full on ugly crying here.  For I know that if I don’t give myself a chance to let it out it will build and fester like a dark poison that will slowly creep through my heart and make me a jaded and bitter woman.


So I sob, I let out all the pain and fear on those nights, all the doubts and stupid self hate that I know is not true is to let it go. Still I cry it’s not easy letting it all go in these moments. See on nights where I let the fear grip me like this I don’t reach out to my friends or family to get reassurance that “Oh yes, your time will come” bullshit. I don’t need a fucking ice cream cone.  No, I take these moments to still my body and let all the negative thoughts flow like the oceans tides  through my mind.


I am learning to find my own strength and self worth and love through these nights. With each negative thought I force myself to find a positive to it. I am making the choice to change my own mental outlook on not only my own damn self but on life, love and relationships. The most interesting thing about that change is my own outlook on things is that its starting to fully reflect back on my life from the inside out and my entire life is starting to change in ways that I never thought possible.


My life was once in black in white and I feel like I am coming out in technicolor a vivid and bright. I’m  taking it all a day at a time and enjoying every moment that life has to offer me. I know that my heart’s deepest desire is going to happen one day soon, I can feel it with vibrating deep within me, simply due to knowing  I have an open heart and open hands when it comes to that. And a view of what you think about your bring about. I have some weak moments where I break down and cry, but that’s okay, even with the fear I know I will rise. So the sadness does not bother me. I can face it with an acceptance of an old friend, whom I need to have a conversation with once in a while.


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