I sat reading my horoscope last week. Being relieved to read that it’s in the stars and ok that I have not yet found myself in the cold ,deep ,dark of the self. I remembered almost suddenly that feeling I need and worried. “How can I make myself experience this dark night of the soul? That sweet relieving feeling just before I release it for the coming year?”
As I woke the eve of the eve. Just a light spread over and I realized my intention without ritual, had been answered. That day my anger was present but it was a laughable little anger. The anger my partner had stated to me in a laughing smile for over 3 months. I texted her immediately. “I owe you an apology. I am so sorry ive allowed others to decide who i am and how I relate to you ” she thanked me , of course, as real queens do when you’ve really done nothing for them and they have patiently waited for you to catch up.
I was met with love when I returned home. A clean house, a well heated bathroom with the hot bath set, candles, the best washcloth in the house, the good razor, good shampoo was brought, cashmere robe, tea was warm and optional, and a hot americano….all waiting. The house was empty……ahhh my bedroom smelled like cinnamon….. A note in the phone stated there was water in the freezer and to please drink it…
This was all in preparation for a noon massage from a woman I was gifted who could only be described as an earth goddess. The woman danced around my body wisking away loads of yuck… as she pushed the blackness from my body she related and reminded me where I wanted to be with smells in the air and contours in her face when I was brave enough to peek up at her work. My wife sent me to the most beautiful woman she knew to clean me up on a Sunday afternoon. On the eve of this new year. I went home sick as fuck. Was put back to bed, fed whatever I opened my mouth to ask for and allowed to sleep or wake throughout the night without any complaints or disruption…. Surely, I have chosen my best friend. This woman knows what’s best for me. I was thankful.
I woke early on the morning of the new year. About 4 Am ( i think) my wife, my best friend, turns toward me slowly… “we didn’t make it to the water to be with the moon like you wanted. Should we go now?”
“Yes, if your willing”
We promptly set out to bundle up. Into the car and being our awkward selves fumbeled about around what water was best and setteled on the idea that to go to them all would suffice. As we pulled up to salt creek her voice became quiet and my mother spoke . How blessed I was to hear her immediately! The mother earth lulled me in with her song and assured me she had her message waiting. I was immediately comforted.
My wife took her space back by the rocks. And I was let to do what I needed. It had been moths since I asked properly to have my struggles and questions answered. The wind. The trees. Their perfect placement, how playful. The water across the way. The moon . My mother, my brothers and sisters harmonizing the truth to me in Whimsical statements. AHHHHH I love you!! ” look around, your the only one not joining in.” The chaos was big the waves sounded over here the trees talking behind me. The rocks so loudly still. The vibration of it all! And here I am fighting it. She whispered,” do not fear what noise others make. Just make sure you are singing your mothers song”. My tribe is of earth warriors. Fiercely fighting for her ways. Perhaps I got lost and have forgotten what side I’m on. She sang,”we prefer that you sing with us”….” of course they want to ruin but you know they cant hurt you,and SHE surely wont try. Lol Carmen they can’t fuck with you as you so angrily say” like a baptism inside of a lotus I am clean… ready to fight with the dance…
Eyes closed. Black gone.
I walk back to my partner. She spins tales of being one with the universe. And mentions fear and hate. We have this conversation all the way home. And she reminds me who I am.
We spent that day playing like 5 year olds, and cooking like mothers. We cleaned like medicine women,danced like warriors, and fucked like animals.
Last night after we were all snuggled into the night. She smiled at me cuddled into my arms,looked up and whispered,”Your my best friend”
I just want to thank my mother for reminding me that to dance with her is to really live. And my partner who will feed me what I need… I plan to thank them fiercely…