As Yule approaches im faced with my last years reality and wounds that have resurfaced. I thank the Goddess for the opportunity to admit that I am not yet healed and also to recognize that a healing is necessary but not so much that I have to reshape my paradigm. In years passed i have completely broken and started from scratch.
I was told that I was angry and yes, I was. I was told though that it was something that needed to be healed. I do not find this to be true. I stated my limits and what was healthy for me. Then I was told I was not allowed them.
This was a lie on my other halves part due to her own fears. I am allowed my limits and when I am told I have a worth that is less than a right to my own safety I get angry. The truth is I placed myself and my family in a position to be mistreated in order to obtain love from a potential partner.
My partners’ family judged my love, my writing, my feelings, and my heart because they could not recognize my humor. They could not see the validation that their family member was receiving. They did not want her to feel the importance I was handing to her……. I wonder why they would be so disgusted by her rise. The rise to importance no less.
While calling me names and commanding that I was dangerous they were promoting their own idea of love. The limiting love that they had handed her and themselves. People who don’t want to grow want you to join them in their stagnancy. I am aware that what I offered looked foolish to them. How sad they must be in an existence where self-importance is dangerous. In a world where being openly loved is an embarrassment, being appreciated extravagantly is shameful, and showing a glowing thankfulness for sheer happiness in one’s life should cause guilt. My partner was in danger of being no less than fucking fabulous and her family might realize that they handed her a shitty deal. That is scary shit.
I am dangerous… But only to those who would have her submit to a self-worth that is just shy of tolerable. To those who would be pleased to limit her to a life of depression for the sake of not having to look at a picture painted by a matriarch who falls short in creative art.
Years ago I relieved myself of my own mothers images of me. Which unfortunately were really her own. I was on a mission to explore what kinds of love were out there. I was limited. As we know my mother had no choice but to create me in her image. Like the limited God she knew my mother had no idea that a matriarch / goddess/ creator can create in any image. She treated me how she felt about herself and to my souls dismay there was no self to educate.
I walked away but I never handed her my truth. And today I see my anger rise as im being judged by others about loving in my view. I lack control. people are suddenly allowed to overstep my boundaries and im somehow expected to stay calm….. And not try to change that. I’ve done my homework i’ve explored and accepted my faults. I have no progress in stifling another’s growth so, why am I the bad guy?
I didn’t hand my mother back her shit i accept that people can treat me how they feel justified to ….I own this… This feeling I have about being judged by people who have no clue is nothing but a projection of them, and quite frankly, allowed only by my acceptance that I may be deserving of ridicule. That’s my mother. She loved to ridicule me when she was the one who agreed we were worth nothing but the pain she allowed…… not on purpose but , as usual, by her own lack of self love…..
I was careful with my love. I accepted my partner’s fears and faults and agreed to work with her on them. That was my love for her. Only my mother’s belief that I have no right to be GOOD makes me question my heart
So, for Yule this year I will begin by getting rid of her idea about what my worth is, for real, by handing it back to her personally and in writing. May it begin my cycle of recognizing who is good for me and standing by it……..without allowing anyone, ever again, to shake my reality and will. I intend to love fully