Had you asked me six months ago if I wanted to go out for a drink with friends I would have hesitated and there would have been a long pause especially if hard liquor like Whiskey was involved. My situation with my partner at that time was one where adding alcohol into the mix left me ridden with anxiety and walking on eggshells. The nights of us going out and being social usually ended in dark places, raised voices and tear stained faces. The brokenness that ensues from dark side of an addiction leaves such a lasting stamp on everyone that it touches in ways that you would not expect. After three years of tip toes and egg shells you begin to wonder if going out will ever be fun or worth it again.
Fast forward to almost four months post breakup, most of the darkness seems to be gone and life feels like it’s full of light and laughter. It’s not about a happily ever after with anyone one person but a happily ever after with the amazing people already in my life and making my life the best fullest version that I can right here right now. A lesson taught to me by a good friend recently. So in that I have chosen to take that step to go out and drink and be a responsible social adult and see friends and live music again.
The first few times were a bit hard, I barely had a drink, and was still constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the need to need to start walking on eggshells to happen again, I was always a little tense and couldn’t fully relax. Then it happened. I ran into an old friend we reconnected and went out for a couple drinks and this friend got me to have a Whiskey and ginger ale.
I was so apprehensive that my insides were shaking, I hid the fear with a smile. We had a couple drinks. We laughed, joked, talked, we had fun for hours. It became a refreshing dose of a new reality. Somewhere in the middle of those drinks and the good company I relaxed and I felt safe enough to no longer worry about looking over my shoulder, the fear and anxiety melted away like the ice in my glass. I went home for the evening and was left reeling from this new found freedom in my life. Could it really be true and possible that I am finally free of that dark cloud of anxiety and fear of chaos and projectile vomit of an addict with cruelty in his mind when he drank? I was nervously excited that my paradigm shift has happened and had finally made me free.
So when I had the opportunity to go out again with my old friend I took and it was the same relaxed atmosphere of laughter, and freedom. The night ended with a smile on my face and that true sense of being free from my past. I am trying to have no ill will towards my past and those whom are a part of it but when they affect your life to the point where being social with others leave you riddled with anxiety of fear it’s hard not to have some kind of pent up resentment. I am working on letting that go,
Here is to almost four months of growth, to making my own happily ever after in the moment surrounded by my little family and the amazing tribe of friends that I have supporting me and loving me in the fierce blazing glory of goddess love that I am. I raise my glass to my old friend who helped me lose some fears and relax. Cheers to Whiskey and Ginger ale may it always put a smile on my face.