Peggy wrote a document on jealousy and as I read I t I was thankful due to the fact that I am currently experiencing this phenomenon. I have to be real and in the scheme of things I realize that as a rule im not jealous. I do everything in my power to make sure I’m not in a position to be jealous. However, I was talking to my therapist last night and ………….. even where there is self talk, rationalization, logic and the truth, jealousy and its venom are always an option and sometimes makes room for itself in the beast when your attached to something.
I needed an explanation.
She stated to me that love is messy. That’s what it is… by definition. Its actually, healing, but it manifests as messy. You open yourself up to something you believe might be worth your truth. And the truth does come. Making love is no longer just a hobby and you want them to know everything about you and the truth does come…… I am an ignorant woman and stick firm to the idea that love means somebody giving me what I want. And when that doesn’t happen……. Shit blows up. I’m scared, I’m angry I take my love back and love is something I define as a problem or a rub-ix cube… unsolvable. I’ve never been very mathematical. “ I didn’t sign up for this problem.” “I can’t love someone if I’m experiencing this feeling.” “ how can I show love to someone who makes me weak enough to express something as disgusting as jealousy!?” I was discussing my argument with my jealousy to my last boyfriend a month back and he laughed, “ You’re an intelligent woman Carmen…. I know your so committed to living a life in the light but you fail to allow yourself to be human” So , I have to explore this . To be human is to be jealous? I still cannot accept this ….
I SUPPOSE that to be human is to experience all emotion since emotion is human. I can accept that to have emotion is human..
I took my day today to sit inside my jealousy and be a functional mother, employee, partner, and patient………. As it turns out I was right. To be emotional is human. And Jealousy only lasted a couple hours. Through my jealousy, I learned that I love, I want, and also that I can function while I’m “not myself”. It is ok for me to be jealous .. Until I’m not anymore then I can be something else something more like what I want to show the world. Without this jealousy I can’t, for now anyway, really love.
I was small. Coincidentally, I was less heavy. Small is light. I didn’t have to intimidate anyone. I had more fun. I wasn’t responsible for anyone but me. Me exactly how I am. To be human is to be free. I told people how I felt. They still smiled at me. I got to make jokes about myself again. To be human is to be funny. Coincidentally I got more done yesterday than I have any day in months. It got done well. My ego did not have to save the day.
I have a new idea. To express jealousy to people who might share what your ego is saying through your mouth while jealousy has you on lock is not an option. Id hate for the people I was jealous of to have to hear my limiting labels about themselves. Especially since two hours later the truth of the matter expresses itself…… thankfully my people can hear my jealousy and let it be mine….