Self Love and Suicide

There is a fine line for a woman like me who has a mental illness and struggles with low self esteem. See, it’s a daily struggle to wake up and find some reason to love that person I see reflected back at me in the mirror. It’s taken 37 years to be able to hold my own gaze in the mirror. I can’t even tell you how many times I have broken down in tears, loathing the person I see reflected back.

See I don’t see the person my close friends and family tell me I am, I don’t see the strong, beautiful, amazing, kind hearted, loving mother… I see a weak, broken, crazy mess. I see an ugly overweight being. The list I have knocks me down and goes miles long.

I have had two attempts with Suicide and both times I stopped myself before I reached the point of no return. I reached to a friend the first time and that was what led to me to finding out my diagnosis of Bipolar, which was over twenty years ago. The second attempt I was on meds and I didn’t reach out to anyone and yet I stopped, something held me back, and I have only spoken to one person about it and I am still not ready to talk.

See life really isn’t that bad on a daily basis it has amazing ebbs and flows to it and when you add to it being a mother, life takes on a beauty that is so remarkable and challenging it makes it worth living to the fullest, it sparks a force to want to BE. But when you have a mental illness that dances in your head some days it’s hard to put on the weight of it all.

To be strong for my daughter, to be strong for my mom, someday’s I don’t have enough to be strong for them let alone myself, yet I do.. How do I love me? Even on the best of days sometimes a little snippet of darkness creeps in and I have to battle the negative mind set.  I make the choice to fight to be active in understanding my mental health. I know my good and bad days.

I see patterns and have learned which are good ones and I am figuring out the bad ones and am breaking them and learning and growing, its lessons learned from attempts of suicide, growing up, and finally understanding that self esteem equals self care which in turn is that self love that we all seek.  I am taking care of my physical health, I take care of my spiritual health and now finally I am taking full and complete care of my mental health. That is self love.

Life is utterly messy at times and I still feel like I am nowhere near having my shit together and I feel like I am beautiful disaster falling apart completely in some areas while thriving fully in other areas of my life, at least somewhere here in the middle of it all I am finding a little peace of happiness in my head.

 

 

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