Affect Regulation

Affect regulation
1.the act of trying to change or extend one’s emotional attitude or disposition. Nugent, Pam M.S.-April 7, 2013
2. emotional regulation

Emotional dysregulation has been defined as difficulties in controlling the influence of emotional arousal on the organization and quality of thoughts, actions, and interactions. Individuals who are emotionally dysregulated exhibit patterns of responding in which there is a mismatch between their goals, responses, and/or modes of expression, and the demands of the social environment.[ (wikipedia)
Cognitive appraisal
Cognitive appraisal is the personal interpretation of a situation; it is how an individual views a situation. “Appraisals refer to direct, immediate, and intuitive evaluations made on the environment in reference to personal well-being.” They are “evaluative frameworks that people utilize to make sense of events.”
Cognitive appraisal – Wikipedia

Expressive suppression:
changing the way one behaviorally responds to emotion-eliciting events.
When we talk about affect regulation, and expressive suppression I often think about an unhealthy repression. I particularly do not like this term. It feels like it means that it is proper and better that I push down my instincts and expression of those  and behave in a manner that is acceptable to society..    YUCK.   Rather the term expressive suppression is the effect of realizing true freedom.   There was a time when I needed to yell and Scream when I wasn’t heard. When I wasn’t understood. When I was talking with someone who can’t wrap their head around new ideas, and I was forced to act in specific ways by an authority. In today’s case I do not recognize anything as an authority other than myself.    I am forced to explore my inner self and actualize my ideas. As creator of my world it is my job to be who I am.  I do not react to ignorant thought processes.   Expressive suppression, I like to think, is the freedom I have to take the time to assess my goals and intentions.  My real goals.  Not the ones where I have a goal to be safe and respected but the ones I have when I already am safe and respected.  The ones I want to see happen.  The one where I get to be me in a state of self-actualization…. I used to be angry with a confused world back when I had no freedom. Today I am still annoyed, but do understand that it is just confused. Who knows what has happened in the past to my partner which caused them to believe that going dancing alone means something equivalent to topless flirting and sexual suggestions (or worse).  I have no clue, as smart as I think I am, what went through their head on this day.  No matter what I AM ME. It is my job to express my reality. Not anyone else…   Expressive suppression and reappraisal is the act of knowing what causes our emotions, what sensations it’s causing in the body and taking the time to get calm and be real.  It, to me, is literally the performance of the saying…” to thine own self be True. 

Affect regulation is my forte’ HAH until I care.  I have always held myself at an esteem   valid to this term.   AHHHH   The ability to be the eye of the storm!  Your partner is a raging mess.  All over the place because you mentioned that you wanted to go dancing and your partner catches fire.  Raging how, “its fine that you go dancing”, even if you never dance for them. hey will just invite their old stripper friend over that night to settle the injustice to equilibrium. As a woman I have to admit I’m an emotional being.  My rage meets his….

COGNITIVE APPRAISAL
“Oh you wanna play that game?  Your stripper friend’s aint got shit on what I can make happen in less than 20 mins. “PLUS…….. This assholes bullshit idea about what a woman is and his need to reduce my artistic expression with likeminded people down to his ignorant view is EXACTLY why I don’t dance for him.  Third thought. He said he wasn’t involved with or attracted to this old stripper friend. I wonder what really went down back in the day…   

This is a recipe for disaster. Suddenly, I’m acting ignorant. I’m a great multitasker.  All at once.  I’ve got brilliant ideas. I have the funds to get enough alone time with a stripper to get her home with me.  I’m pretty confident, I don’t think I’d actually have to spend funds , but am willing to, and I’d rather go to Mexico later this year.   Also, I’ve left the reasons why I love my partner behind… suddenly we are completely incompatible… Why does my partner believe that I want to produce the kind of energy that a stripper produces?  What the hell good does my partner think it does for them to “one up” me? They are completely lost as a person! Does my partner really see this in me?  Is it even possible that they would think that about me?  Suddenly my partner is a liar.  They said that they haven’t been attracted to this “stripper” in years but really they still are.  I won’t be a fool    ima walk away from all this right now!!!  It’s all a bunch of bullshit.

REAPPRAISAL
So, let’s call for the truth and move forward…   It’s possible that my partner is a liar and completely insecure and due to this does not trust me. Let’s say that my partner does like watching or did like watching this stripper dance back in the day.  (I’m sure he did, in fact).  Lol, lets also remember that we are all almost 40 and though all women are sexy till they die. It aint gonna be all like titties bouncing and tight asses, puttin it down till hotel motel time, or the after party. Although, I’d give any 40 year old all the props in the world for trying. Then call it a success. It won’t be like that at the club either. I wish it was though I sure do miss those days….
I’m going to go ahead and give the benefit of the doubt… My partner clearly recognizes that they can’t meet every single need that I have.  I suppose that it could be worrisome that I need some space. Even worse, some space to cut loose.   It’s fair that I remind my partner who I am. 

THE RESPONSE:
Babe, I love you, but ima say something to you and I need you to hear me the first time I say it. Cause I’m only going to say it once. “First,  Do NOT   EVER pit me against another woman. EVER.  Mostly because you will be the one to lose. I love women and I refuse to let shit like this get in between me and ANY female.  I refuse to do it. I certainly will not do it for you.  My whole will is to make women love and respect each other.  DO NOT ever reduce me to the kind of person who might be intimidated by another womans qualities. If you had been successful at what you were just trying to accomplish you would have ruined any chance of me being able to relate to someone that I have at least a little respect for.  I already can’t stand all of your other ignorant friends, and that hurts you enough.  I will not have you shooting yourself in the foot by downplaying a smart lady just to hurt my feelings because you are misunderstanding my wants.  Second, I don’t know who the fuck you think I am, but I haven’t been in a club shaking anything for anyone but myself since I was in my early 20’s.  That’s not going to change today. Whether or not you sexualize your friends….  I refuse to reduce them to bodies…  

On this night I received an apology.. thank goddess.   But the argument from my partner certainly shows all the work I need to do in representing myself and a number of conversations we need to have.  without complete accountability and representation of myself I would surely have lost any chance of rectifying my partners doubts, or making my needs more clear. Who knows how long this idea of his about me shaking my ass for others would have remained a reality on his head had I just agreed with him and  acted out in a way of rebellion to his reality and proven I could do what he feared.

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