Big Number 10! Let’s celebrate by all taking a moment to breath and eat chocolate.
I am back from Emotion land and her to stimulate your brain with logic.
I am going to start by saying that this last week was rough. I have been taking in a lot of time and space for self-awareness, collecting statistics and narrowing patterns. The good work is always the hardest work, and this work on my self has been like peeling skin back from a grape. And I’m all soft and green and mushy, yet firm with my basic shape in place.
Im a grape. Great analogy Peg. (I call myself Peg when I talk to myself, inside my head.)
Any fucking how, what I learned was the magic of not giving a fuck, as seen in this Ted Talk link below.
This discovery of how not to be an asshole opened my brain up with a question, what else am I giving my time money or focus to that I am not happy with? What is creating this issue of anxiety, crippling anxiety, acting out of ordinary in isolation and outbursts? My alarm is going off, and I need to attend to something.
I walked to the library and found a book on Highly Sensitive People, by Dr. Arthur Aron and Dr. Elaine Aron, that narrowed down my sensitive nature into a tell-tale sign. I knew immediately after reading this list of traits who I was. I am sensitive. Which to me is as tangible of a good as “the ghost moved your shit” I need to know more. What I found was science. We’re almost to logic and science, stay close beside me.
The following study through the National Institute of Health offered an explanation. We are not all wired the same in our actions and processes, as seen any time you drive anywhere. People react differently based on previous learned experiences AND the body’s physical reaction. The body’s physical response in the mind is able to be measured through an f MRI, which monitors the brains neural system. The main idea is that sensory processing can create some erratic behavior. Over-stimulation, to be specific.
The sensitive is not because I am soft like a grape. It is because my brain recognizes details as a survival instinct. ADHD also correlates with sensory processing. The hyper activity and need to never fail and complete all tasks leads to anxiety. Anxiety is characterized as a nervous system disorder where excessive unease can create compulsive or erratic behavior in an individual. I feel it is safe to say I have a different map for the way my brain processes information. Something is not right for me. I know what I need now. To give myself space and time to work, to settle into a career that is specifically right for me. I can do this, I have the tools, and I cannot believe I missed such a glaring detail to my own narcissistic shiny life.
Carlton say’s he likes it when I’m angry, really angry, because I get really honest and he thinks I am hilarious. I adore him for allowing me to joke about the things that hurt the most. If he didn’t laugh, I wouldn’t have either. I realize I need to be me. Now.
Here is a link to that above mentioned study by Dr’s Arons.