Control and Security

I stated before that in order to be in a secure relationship one must be secure with themselves. My boasting about my new found acceptance of my wife’s actions was a beautiful display of complete…….bullshit.

Oh yes! She’s just full of love and I need that in my life!

My insides came to a screeching halt three days later and shit got real and I mean REAL………

“OMG She deals with things differently. I’m going to have to measure up! Like hell I do!” All of a sudden I’m scared.

I AM insecure.

I’m not the kind of insecure that wants women to be beneath me, or even the kind that puts them above me. I don’t glare at women for being beautiful, or smart. I don’t scoff when my wife likes the way they look. I don’t mock naked art or smart at people’s sexuality… I’m not jealous I do not feel like I’m not sexual enough to keep ANYONE I want interested. I celebrate all the women I know. I back everything a woman does. I want every woman to be herself fully and I want them to embrace the trip to wholeness. Even those who do me wrong.

I’m the kind of insecure who doesn’t feel safe when she’s not in complete control. I’m the kind of insecure that doesn’t yet believe someone else can tell me the truth. I’m the kind of insecure who grabs someone by the throat when their proximity is too close. I won’t let people ask me questions about my fam when they’ve not stated why they want to know. I’m the kind of insecure that won’t express herself when it’s bad because she can’t bear for the person who said they would be here forever, to decide they want to go…. I can handle it and I’m prepared for it, but I don’t want to. I am insecure at the bone. I walk around in fear for all of my instinctual needs.

I can make money like a MF. My sexual needs are always met. I can always eat well. My hustle is clean and tight, but I’m never sure about the safety of my family. I don’t have faith. I do not trust life.

I married my wife but I did not commit to her family or her people. However, I cannot walk around moving them out of my way with my hands around their throat whenever one of them invades my personal space. Which I instinctively want to do. I do not know them, I do not trust them. All of my defense senses tell me they are too close for comfort. Time to pounce.

This Is news to me . I thought I had life figured out. How did I miss all the internal fears!???



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