Trust and attachment go hand in hand. If secure attachment is the goal then, one must literally feel secure with whom they choose to attach. Otherwise, it’s inevitable that we will only become more deeply engrossed in the paradigm of the opposite…. detachment.
Last week I caught wind that someone was talking about my lover in a way that threw me straight into beast mode. I’ve not been that pissed about people being ignorant in years. It felt like someone was talking about one of my kids. I went straight to momma bear status…. “Don’t fuck with my family I will destroy you. If you don’t step down I will put you there, I will smash you “ I am committed to the idea that if you can’t be a positive influence on my family by my standards, your opinions are not needed or valued….. Just….. Simply…not allowed…
Speaking negative and untrue words over the phone about my partner to others is like an unemployed circus freak selling tickets to an imaginary show… the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth is not supposed to be marketable. So, in this case He is just a freak, selling bullshit. But people do buy that shit. In bulk
These opinions are not backed by any sort of real experience. They are just preconceived ideas. These particular people have not even heard my wife speak, and they do not have common friends. They are not valuable to me as catalysts to reaching my goals. Therefore, they don’t count and, in the land of Carmen, have no voice. My wife can go on being her kind growing self without unnecessary interference’s from people who choose not to be supportive of her goals. Nobody gets in my way….. Nobody gets in the girls way….. Nobody gets in her way…. And my job is done.
This, to me, is support. I am steady. I made a decision to grow with my partner and we, together, decided what we wanted our relationship to look like. When anyone wants to decide without information that she is not fulfilling the requirements that I have for MY marriage they need to be removed. The truth is that they were not involved in the plan or the making of my marriage. They have decided to insert themselves where they do not belong and need to be put in their place… I, also need to take accountability and understand that somehow I showed this person that their place was in my business, and I need to represent the facts. Since I’m not one to spend a lot of time fucking around I will assess my love for this person, find that they are not necessary, and will remove them. Cut and dry. I have no time or patience for anyone who is out to demean my people or my plans.
I have no apology for my theory.
Similarly, family members of my partner have made complaints and judgements about myself. Not so similarly, she was willing to hear their complaints. My partner has respect for her families’ perspective. The look in her eyes showed concern for them and me, displayed some fear of retaliation, and I’m pretty sure I saw a hint of guilt for causing discomfort to the exterior world. Her love for them is not conditional. She took the time to speak personally with each of the potentially offended and adjusted her actions accordingly. She just made sure that everyone was heard, as well as, supported. This does include me. I too was heard and given the room to react to her families’ issue. To her this is what support looks like.
I felt that, clearly, there was no way for each one of us to make the other feel supported. What my lover sees is that I will surely remover her from my way where there is conflict. I’ve shown that I have no time for anything that is not a catalyst to my goal, whatever that happens to be at the time. My experience is that…. my wife will not back me 100%. She will put others needs before my honor. There is room for other people in her marriage and people are welcome to interrupt Thursday evenings with their ideas about who I am and what I am doing wrong in my relationship. My immediate response to this actin of hers represents an anxious ambivalent woman. I want to take my life back and show her what place these “ family members “ should have by treating her as a second class citizen in my queendom ( anxious) However, I love this fam and I can’t show her I’m nervous about my tribe coming second. I have to pretend I don’t feel this behavior coming on (ambivalent). I’ll just wait it out and see what happens. While I’m burning with fear and doubt and sick to my stomach, I quietly go about my daily duties as if I’m the confident Carmen I was before I handed half of my whole life to someone else. “This does not bother me….. I fully trust that this woman lives on purpose. She will not let us down.” Is my mantra for the week. Meanwhile, I’m chewing on my own skin punishing myself for chaining my fam to, yet another falsely intended lover who really just likes that I fuck a lot… But it isn’t all about feeling. What is actually going on?
The conundrum lies in perspective…… The perspective of trust in foundational decisions made prior to committing. The “Terms of Commitment” if you will. Cori and I were firm that we would back each other, not that we would say “fuck you” to the opposition. That’s me, that’s who I am. We would talk about issues and we would love each other… We would remain individuals with the theory that two people make three. Not that two become one. We wanted to grow and be bigger not smaller. We would not fall in love but stand…. That was literally the agreement. That’s my job. Period. There are no separate feelings allowed past the point of initial (learned) thoughts, and those MUST be checked regularly. We need to accept and act as our two individual selves and let the third person express itself in the world. I also have to trust that our foundation is considered in her actions. She IS half, as scary as that is, and I have to follow through with what I stated I would do.
Perhaps she can do the same when considering my actions and see that it’s just her and my girls that matter to me and they will always come first before anyone … no nonsense… On my end the recognition needs to be that my wife is a loving creature who has qualities I lack. The patience to discern and hold things together (this is why I loved her). A selflessness that comforts all involved and makes a family. While remaining a stable support to “US“ by continuing to be present and firm.
What we could eventually end up with is a family with well-defined boundaries and protection. With a tolerance for the world and a will to educate and understand. Lol ,as much as I hate to admit it. That’s the family I want to have and I’m thankful that my wife is patient, selfless, loving, understanding and willing to let the truth speak for itself. Even if, at first, it looks different than what support is to me.
In attachment we have to trust and trust is a sticky issue when we have had bad experiences in the past. The key is to first trust and respect yourself… to know who you are and why you do what you do. It makes it easier to accept the individuality of your partner and appreciate them. We have to be able to ask questions. If my partner can listen to others concerns and problems with my relationship it stands to reason that she can handle mine.
In insecure relationships people will force you to be what you are not. We are forced to change our beliefs about how to act, what to think, and who to consort with. The anxious partner will force changes instead of allowing the other to come to their own concessions and evolve into the relationship. These actions, my warrior actions will eventually cause dis ease and distrust, as well as, disrespect, which pulls the foundation of our relationship right out from under us. It is tantamount that I recognize and consort with my wild side, but for the purpose of releasing the beast in a logical way, on those who are against me. Not the person I’m supposed to be backing. By acknowledging her I will have the calamity to learn something new and open up to being patient with others. I always look for the reason and to understand why people act up but never have considered allowing it in when their behavior is misplaced and their intentions undefined.