In all the noise of the surf, I came upon another thought that awakened my heart. We are living in a selfish life. We want what we want, and we want it instantly.
I work among an older generation. I always have, as I have lived in a retirement community for most of life. The retired folks are in a different place than the folks in young adult hood, constantly chasing after peace and competing for jobs and promotions. The retired folks speak slowly, which means we must slow down to hear the message. I stopped listening to music and listened to people instead, the people who were present. This is the good lesson. It is time for me to listen, but I still have to talk about these psychological ideas or they will eat me from the inside.
This last weekend, we were surrounded by middle aged surfers. One of the surfers’ van broke down, and my husband Carlton got out his jumper cables to give the guy some juice. Unfortunately, it drained the Toyota vans charge, but eventually the guy got it started. The guy lit up a joint, which is expressly forbidden in the park, and offered to share with Carlton. As camp hosts, Carlton had to tell him to extinguish the joint until he was elsewhere. “No problem, no problem, hey so whats up with you guys? You live here” the guy asked. Carlton says “yes we live in that tent.” The guy said “oh! Yeah that other surfer (there was 4 of them) was making fun of your tent for being so big.”….here is where you, the reader, receive insight to this situation. One of the surfers was an ex boyfriend from 2006, whom had recently reached out via social media. When I dated him, I hated camping. I made him rent a cabin the one time we went camping. Now here I was, living at a great surf spot, in a tent. We had a good idea who the guy was. Carlton responded with “You need a bigger tent if you are going to live in it for 5 months with all your belongings.” The man nodded and said that other guy was stupid. I had a different idea.
I speculate that in this life (based on the idea that we have many different planes of existence) we are constantly projecting and judging other folks. We hold them as an imagined threat, or as a problem with ourselves. That tent-trashing guy was not making fun of us. Maybe he was bewildered, and maybe he felt like he was not good enough to marry and live in a tent with. I have no judgement of his life, for who am I to judge?
This is just another analogy about mainstream society. The weekend of surfers was a good reminder that judgement is everywhere, but at least at the beach you can sing with the waves. The wind does not judge our hair or bodies or hold grudges. The rain that falls at least 5 times a day does not mind being wiped away from our skin, it does not mind changing your paradigm. And the sunsets…the rainbows..it truly is the wide open of God’s country. It is not a mistake that I am here. I have never found solace in faith in God. I believed God hated me. I cried in the corners of everywhere, feeling alone and losing our home, while seeing my oldest daughter struggle with an unplanned pregnancy, and our 14 year old cold and eventually living with her dad. Even the dog was shivering, and is being fostered at a friends home. Why was God taking everything from me???
I found the answer, it came simply. He was unpacking my soul. The soul part that is a child still, sad and alone and desperate for answers to why people act the way they act. A bachelors degree based on psychology helped, but I realize now that having an answer is akin to having control.
And sometimes, we do not have control in life.
The reward is the beauty all around us, which we would never want to control. The primitive wild is breathtaking and quiet and allows us to grow into our happiness.
I think I get it.